|
johannhowitzer
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Jonathan
Country: United States
State: Indiana
Metro: Indianapolis
Birthday: 9/19/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: I love God most of all, then my family and friends. After that I like all things musical and theatrical, I like reading and writing (especially poetry), swimming, and getting sent encouraging notes through the mail.
Expertise: I am best at two things: playing the piano and writing music for the piano. I write concisely and coherently, and have been told my poetry is excellent. All things I can only do when God gives me the ability.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  johannhowitzer
Member Since:
9/23/2004
|
|
| Most of the time, Lane, Holly, and I are not in the same place. Holly and I talk on the phone a lot, and she talks to Lane too. Lane and I talk now and then when he's home.
Still, several months into this three-way friendship and I can't for the life of me shake the sense that Holly favors Lane over me, at least when the three of us are all in the same place. Lane sees it too, and since he knows I like Holly, it makes him uncomfortable. In conversation, she makes eye contact with him, only giving me an occasional glance. When we're walking somewhere, she'll be at his side, and I'm left walking in front or behind. If she has something to talk about, she almost always calls him first. I've spoken to her several times about feeling like a "B-list friend," apparently none of that has gotten through.
This wouldn't normally be a problem. The last disaster taught me to keep things in perspective a bit, and remember there will always be someone else should things not work out. Thing is, Holly has told me repeatedly she "doesn't want to lead me on" and she's "not ready for a relationship." If this is all a cover for some hidden interest in my roommate, if she's not willing to cut me loose romantically for fear of losing me as a friend... we have a MAJOR problem. In fact, it would be the same problem I had with people on Match.com.
This is why I instinctively avoid situations in which the three of us are in the same place. She always makes me feel like I'm competing with Lane somehow, like I'm extraneous. What makes this all the more convincing is that I'm trying to catch Holly's attention most of the time, and Lane is trying to deflect it. Yet she gravitates to him - the recently-divorced older guy with the financial problems. Almost three years running and I can't attract even one woman, not even women I wouldn't date. Not even out of his marriage, Lane's got women crawling all over him. In other words, I rate lower than a destitute man from a broken family.
A big part of me hopes someone else will come along really soon. From the sound of things, it'll be a long time before Holly is ready to date anyone. In fact, among all my single friends here, I am the ONLY one in a position to start a relationship. Really frustrating when every woman I ask out thinks she shouldn't be dating. I still can't get any woman to straight-up tell me she's not interested. That would be a step forward.
| | |
| I am in a war zone... and we are winning.
Lane's divorce is being stalled a little, though it won't last forever. In the meantime his spirits are up, and he is doing battle on behalf of his friend Alicia, who has been through abuse all her life. In us, she has found the first safe place she's ever known. Tonight she was able to let her defenses down, and as she's hit rock-bottom recently in the form of a drug overdose, she has expressed willingness to attend church, support group, and spend time with our friends. A very healing future awaits her, though it will be slow.
Holly is seeing some healing as well; Lane and I are, she says, the best friends in her life right now. We talk daily. Her sister, whose fiancé was murdered, is about to have her baby. This will bring some closure and healing to her whole family... and, I hope, help Holly herself to move past some of the anger she feels for the murderer. She will also be talking with Alicia - and giving her a makeover - which will help her move past some of her own abuse.
I have told Holly of my interest in her, and though she still is not ready for a relationship, she seems keen to the idea. I have begun pursuing her, mostly in the form of kind gestures. I surprised her at work and brought her dinner last week. Tonight I took her to dinner, and she doesn't know it yet, but I just got her a CD she's been wanting. In a couple weeks we have plans to go to a dinner theater downtown. Encouraging her has brightened many of my days; it has been years since I had a woman who I could make feel this special.
We continue to attend support groups through church, and it's pretty obvious the enemy has let much slip through his fingers. Great things are in store!
| | |
| Holly is making me angry. Last night she said she was a little worried about driving to work this morning, 'cause her car is having issues. I texted her this morning asking if she got to work alright, no answer all day. She also told me she'd call me after work tonight, and guess what? Nothing. I had to call her. Turns out she was on the phone quite a bit with my roommate Lane. Also last night the two of them and Holly's roommate hung out at Holly's place... nobody thought to call me. Of course I told Lane I was going to bed early, but Holly didn't know that.
Last night our phone conversation also included some talk about where we are about relationships. She said she's not ready to date anyone, which I knew... then she followed it up with something like, "I don't know who I'm going to marry. Could be you, could be Lane, could be X." (Didn't hear the third name.) Tonight on the phone she called me Lane by mistake. Really, I feel like I'm taking a backseat here. She seems oblivious to how her words affect me - gee, sound familiar? Did she really have to mention she considers my ROOMMATE an option, knowing that I'm interested in her??
Heck, Lane didn't even come home from Holly's house last night, he slept on her couch. I didn't know he was there, of course... and Holly didn't bother to tell him I was still up... yeah. When I didn't see him when I got up this morning, I knew the options were limited where he could be: either his ex-wife's house, or Holly's place. I was pretty sure his ex-wife wouldn't let him sleep over, and the result of all this? My imagination ran wild. There I was on three hours of sleep at work this morning, Holly didn't answer my text, and all I can think about is, "did they sleep together last night? Has all this been a lie, have I been betrayed??" If it had been true, this would have been the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. It would have cut our group of friends in half, and I would have been in the middle of it all.
Rather inconsiderate of Lane, if you ask me. Not inconsiderate of my feelings so much as inconsiderate of his ex-wife. One day out of his divorce and he does what? Spends the night at a house with a couple of girls? Sure, it was like 3 AM and Holly didn't want him driving home. He should have thought ahead and pre-empted the need to sleep there. And since they spent like five hours hanging out WITHOUT ME, now I feel like I don't matter.
Holly was very apologetic about worrying me just now. I thought she'd ended up in a pile of twisted metal on the interstate. And yet again, I pulled my punches... I keep telling myself next time stuff like this happens there will be harsh words. Of course tonight she was in a lot of pain, so I couldn't exactly chew her out, but man. This has GOT to stop or I am seriously going to consider building a shack in the woods and living off the land. I finally have some real friends, and what do I get in the bargain? A freaking LOVE TRIANGLE.
| | |
| Well, here we go again finally. I'm actually interested in a woman (shocker!), and for the first time since the train wreck that happened with Bethany, I gave a girl a rose. My parents have joked that it's sort of my "calling card..."
This one came out of left field. Here I am interested in Sarah, thinking here's a friend who's actually making time for me for a change. Then Holly shows up and flips everything on its head, and at the same time Sarah starts acting like all the other friends I've tried to get close to - forcing me to make all the effort. A month later, Holly and I have been hanging out or at least talking on the phone almost daily. She's become one of my closest friends, as has my roommate Lane. The three of us have been spending almost as much time together as I used to spend with friends in college.
Too good to be true? Well, I've got a lot to hang onto here that's really solid. This friendship ain't going away, probably not until I die. But there are some major issues here - Holly has recently been in some abusive relationships, so between that and some changes in her life right now, she's not ready to date anyone. When I gave her the flower and we had The Talk, she said she "sees potential" with me, but it would have to be slow. On top of all this, confusion, as we seem to have a little bit of a love triangle going on. She hasn't said so, but I think she's sort of interested in Lane; she calls him a lot, whereas I often feel like I have to seek her out. When the three of us hang out, most of the eye contact happens between the two of them. Considering the fact that he's getting divorced right now, that makes me feel REALLY attractive...
Tonight I got pretty discouraged, based on some vague things she said over the phone that my imagination's playing merry hell with. Too much to ask that I find ONE woman in this world who'll make me the most important person in her life?
The depression ran its course, and then I progressed to the usual next step - pondering my course of action. Her life can't keep changing this fast for long, things just have a way of reaching a partial equilibrium, something we like to call "routine." Also, the fact that she's not ready for a relationship does not mean I'm not allowed to pursue. I told her if I push too hard, she is to let me know right away and I will back off. With that safeguard (or provided she doesn't use it, at least that deniability) in place, I guess it's time to lay on the ol' charms a little thicker. Time will probably come soon when she'll be ready, and I don't see any harm laying a little groundwork now. Anyway it's been ages since I've been able to do all the little things for anyone, and so far she's loved every minute. I asked and she said her "love language" would probably be words, same as mine - that might explain why we seem to click so well.
My old college self would be a little shocked right now... good GOSH was I ever straight as an arrow back then. I wouldn't have taken a second look at someone like Holly, but my priorities were in different places. More superficial, I think, whereas now I'm really paying attention to the heart of the matter. Holly is a stunningly beautiful person inside. If I had to point at the one thing that would most convince me (if I were to let myself be convinced) that we're "meant to be," it would be the way she has conquered my defenses, loosened me up, made me more comfortable with who I really am. Surprisingly, the armor over my heart hasn't caved yet; my emotional distresses have been far more over the fact that I still haven't started a relationship with anyone, rather than over Holly in particular. Probably got the "Bethany-catastrophe" to thank for that, I suppose.
So... I have long-term plans already, and hopefully things will present themselves more immediately as well. She has to work Sat-Mon next weekend, yes that includes Labor Day. She recently found out she likes a certain item at Hardee's, and she told me the name of the place she'll be working next weekend, so I'm going to stop by and surprise her at work with some dinner. And at the end of September, we already have tentative plans to see a play downtown at a dinner theater - I'm going to spring for the table for two treatment. So far she seems fine with the idea, even though you can't really get any closer to a real DATE. Yeah, I'm not letting this one get away as long as the line holds.
This could get a little rocky, but as long as I put her best interests first, I don't see much potential to do harm. Well, apart from my own health - it's 1:30 AM, after all. Lost sleep equals lost brain cells. Goodnight.
| | |
| The theme of my summer has been "friends I forgot I had." Sarah, Erik and all my other friends from the IWU days, and now Hannah.
I met Hannah during the time I spent trying online dating. She's a very shy Asian girl, an artist, originally from Ohio, and we went out twice - first to Starbucks, then to the Macaroni Grill. Shortly after, she moved back to Ohio for a new job, though it's Cincinnati, so she's only two hours away. Of the girls I talked with through the online dating site, Hannah was definitely the most likely to become at least a close friend. However, she was listed as "Catholic" on the site, and she mentioned she doesn't see the need to go to church. Thus, my old "doctrine walls" were up, like they were with Bethany for so long.
I saw Hannah online last night, and took the initiative to say hello. We talked for several hours, and I found out our hearts and interests are in almost exactly the same place. She is very big on volunteer work, and was excited when I told her I'm looking at Wheeler Mission for the same reason. About doctrine, she said she doesn't think much about it, preferring instead to serve and obey. She mentioned she has issues with some things the Catholic church teaches, though she wouldn't go into detail and I didn't push her. I think I remember her also being interested in classical music.
The conversation ended with her leaving to play games with friends, and we exchanged numbers and decided to keep in touch more. Hannah may also be coming to Indy soon, and of course now I know it's possible for me to visit her if I want. She seemed pretty excited about all this.
So there you have it, another friend I forgot I had... and the number of women I'm kinda interested in but can't date right now is up to three. Which is probably a good thing, as it further loosens my romantic lock on Sarah, and may make it easier for me to be her friend.
Erik introduced me to this webcomic, and Marten is me. Aside from the facts that he has a roommate and listens to indie music and drinks beer now and then, we're so alike it's scary. He was even a music major in college, and his roommate was an art major. It's actually providing a little perspective on where I am right now.
| | |
|
