| | It's funny how many places I've been since the last entry. The rollercoaster of the last four years is at last slowing down, and I think that is mostly thanks to the fact that I'm learning so much about myself and my emotions - and how to control them, instead of letting them control me.
I am a man. Let me say that again with special emphasis - I am a man. The forests and mountains ring with the echo of my battle-cry, women see me as a haven in a predatory world, and nothing anyone says can cripple me. The world is full of boys: the apathetic, the sex-crazed, the egomaniacal, the condescending, the weak. I know who I am and why I am where I am. I don't always have the best self-control, but my passion and honor are intact.
Once again there's a specific woman I'm interested in (gasp!), but things are different than before. There is no awkwardness around her, because I know I have nothing to fear but things staying the same - and that's not so bad. I take the lead in our interactions, but not a stranglehold - my tendency to interrupt has diminished, and my inquiries into her life increased. I have learned to give sincere compliments sparingly and confidently enough to be charming rather than pathetic. I've even developed in my body and in my sense of style (which was actually always there, and poked its head out a few times in college). My job has put me in the best shape of my life, and I'm sure at the least I can lift almost as much as my dad. I've updated my thinking about what sort of clothing might be appropriate in various settings, and am updating my wardrobe to match my image.
If this woman isn't interested - or, as in Bethany's case, believes God to have said no - I can move along in the knowledge that I am a handsome, dashing, charming, sexy, earth-shattering kind of man, and any woman would be lucky to have me, and in fact with all this learning finally taking hold, it should not take long for a different woman to notice me. Ha, but that's already happened, hasn't it? About a month ago a girl confessed attraction for me. I cannot overstate the contribution that made to my confidence - especially since that confession, I believe, happened as a direct result of the application of some of the things I have been learning. I made that girl infatuated with me. I don't think anything will come of it since I'm not really that interested in her, but it does show that it's possible.
Much of my learning has taken me back to the three relationships I have been in, and their beginnings - especially how I behaved immediately before each started. In each case I was a picture of confidence, and in each I was not actually interested until the woman in question obviously was... this allowed me to behave naturally. In Laura's case, she got interested probably in part due to a staring contest we randomly started playing at Late Meal. I showed up in Maggie's life just as a messy breakup happened, and rather than be aware of my own chances or lack thereof, I stood by her and helped her through it. (Also I ran into her just as the over-the-phone breakup happened... in a tuxedo.) In Kelly's case, I was still dating Maggie when we first met, and thus wasn't even thinking about Kelly as a prospective girlfriend. I'm not sure of all the details but the fact that Doug warned me about getting involved with Kelly behind Maggie's back tells me Kelly was probably interested in me during that band trip.
Another random boost to my confidence: a friend recently had me act for a short film, and since he's finally finished the post-production process, I got to see my own acting this weekend. I have made great strides in my acting prowess since college speech class (the last I saw myself "act"), and while everyone tells me I'm particularly handsome and I have had trouble believing it, the doubts were dispelled with that film. I am in fact handsome, very much so.
Like I said, the rollercoaster is slowing down, and the climb is still steady. Life is getting better! |
