johannhowitzer's Xanga

Irrevocability

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 17:18:04 GMT

What a strange, tangled four years this has been. Emerging from the mess that is currently my life is ME. Thanks to many factors - my friend Garlon at work, all the reading I've been doing, and a disciplining of my own stubborn mind, to name a few - I am a man, and no one can shake that. Not my manager at work, not a rude customer, not a woman who lacks interest in me, not my own father. Enh... I might be able to undermine myself if I'm not careful, but I doubt else will ever be the case. (In fact, a woman I was crazy about just turned me down recently, and while I wasn't particularly happy about it, my life barely skipped a beat, let alone sunk back to old depressions. That in itself speaks volumes.)

I have also been doing some memorization of late - here is the first thing I memorized, at the behest of www.artofmanliness.com:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait, and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream, and not make dreams your master,
If you can think, and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
And watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them, "Hold on,"

If you can speak to crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth, and everything that's in it,
And - which is more! - you'll be a Man, my son.

~ Rudyard Kipling

The second, again found on the same website... the "Man in the Arena" portion of a Presidential speech:

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man
stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again
and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who
does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great
devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the
end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least
fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and
timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

(Both typed from memory, so note there may be some punctuation/capitalization mistakes.)

Reciting these to myself at work and at home has proven them to be worth their weight in gold... though I guess paper, ink, and synapses don't weigh very much, so maybe a billion times their weight? They've turned many a brutal day around. Combine these with the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman and you have a nearly impenetrable mental and emotional fortress.

The latter piece of famous writing above has been particularly inspiring to me of late. I have been holding the same dreary retail job for two years - note that I am not saying I regret it, or that a retail job cannot be honorable or worthwhile. The lessons learned have been invaluable, and someone in the world has to do these jobs, and sticking a job out for two years has been worthy cause in itself. However, part of me suspects - nay, confirms - that I am flowing downstream, and it's time to paddle. I'll be dropping my job to two days a week and making MUSIC my full-time job on the former workdays... with an eye toward writing music for a living. This will be one of the hardest things I've ever done, and leaving some of the financial security is scary, but I need to do this. If I stay in retail, I'll be no less of a man, in troth - but what of my dreams? It is time to chase them, so here I go! If I fail, I'll not hang my head, but raise it proudly to say I gave my best.

This is going to be an interesting year...

Who I am

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 04:10:21 GMT

It's funny how many places I've been since the last entry. The rollercoaster of the last four years is at last slowing down, and I think that is mostly thanks to the fact that I'm learning so much about myself and my emotions - and how to control them, instead of letting them control me.

I am a man. Let me say that again with special emphasis - I am a man. The forests and mountains ring with the echo of my battle-cry, women see me as a haven in a predatory world, and nothing anyone says can cripple me. The world is full of boys: the apathetic, the sex-crazed, the egomaniacal, the condescending, the weak. I know who I am and why I am where I am. I don't always have the best self-control, but my passion and honor are intact.

Once again there's a specific woman I'm interested in (gasp!), but things are different than before. There is no awkwardness around her, because I know I have nothing to fear but things staying the same - and that's not so bad. I take the lead in our interactions, but not a stranglehold - my tendency to interrupt has diminished, and my inquiries into her life increased. I have learned to give sincere compliments sparingly and confidently enough to be charming rather than pathetic. I've even developed in my body and in my sense of style (which was actually always there, and poked its head out a few times in college). My job has put me in the best shape of my life, and I'm sure at the least I can lift almost as much as my dad. I've updated my thinking about what sort of clothing might be appropriate in various settings, and am updating my wardrobe to match my image.

If this woman isn't interested - or, as in Bethany's case, believes God to have said no - I can move along in the knowledge that I am a handsome, dashing, charming, sexy, earth-shattering kind of man, and any woman would be lucky to have me, and in fact with all this learning finally taking hold, it should not take long for a different woman to notice me. Ha, but that's already happened, hasn't it? About a month ago a girl confessed attraction for me. I cannot overstate the contribution that made to my confidence - especially since that confession, I believe, happened as a direct result of the application of some of the things I have been learning. I made that girl infatuated with me. I don't think anything will come of it since I'm not really that interested in her, but it does show that it's possible.

Much of my learning has taken me back to the three relationships I have been in, and their beginnings - especially how I behaved immediately before each started. In each case I was a picture of confidence, and in each I was not actually interested until the woman in question obviously was... this allowed me to behave naturally. In Laura's case, she got interested probably in part due to a staring contest we randomly started playing at Late Meal. I showed up in Maggie's life just as a messy breakup happened, and rather than be aware of my own chances or lack thereof, I stood by her and helped her through it. (Also I ran into her just as the over-the-phone breakup happened... in a tuxedo.) In Kelly's case, I was still dating Maggie when we first met, and thus wasn't even thinking about Kelly as a prospective girlfriend. I'm not sure of all the details but the fact that Doug warned me about getting involved with Kelly behind Maggie's back tells me Kelly was probably interested in me during that band trip.

Another random boost to my confidence: a friend recently had me act for a short film, and since he's finally finished the post-production process, I got to see my own acting this weekend. I have made great strides in my acting prowess since college speech class (the last I saw myself "act"), and while everyone tells me I'm particularly handsome and I have had trouble believing it, the doubts were dispelled with that film. I am in fact handsome, very much so.

Like I said, the rollercoaster is slowing down, and the climb is still steady. Life is getting better!

Improvement

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 02:06:42 GMT

I make a big deal about my girl troubles, I know. A lot of you probably roll your eyes just a little by now. This is just a place for me to vent, though, only the friends I really know and trust know about this place. I've kept it from most casual friends who might be burdened by the sensitive information it contains.

Been doing a lot of looking back lately. A year ago I had no job, was living in my parents' house, never hung out with friends because I didn't have any, didn't go to any church because I didn't see any point, and kept on putting off volunteer work even though I knew it would be good for me and for the people I'd be helping.

Now, a year later, I have held down a job with near perfect attendance (only one absence in the last six months or more), excellent performance, I've been living on my own for nine months and doing more than just paying the bills, I have a significant surplus even without my big tax refund. I have a church home, am on the drama team which has become like family, and other friends besides. Just last night I spent eight hours with new friends - went to an Irish concert, then dinner at Ruby Tuesday, then a movie until we couldn't keep our eyes open. I got invited to that, too, I didn't make the plans myself. I have also done a bit of volunteer work, and found it very fulfilling, if a bit inefficient due to the commute.

Am I where I want to be? No. I want to have a wife and eventually children, I want a better job, and I want to get back into writing music. But I'm moving on up - yes, on the east side - and of all things, I find myself looking at getting my master's degree in music composition. There is still a lot of anxiety to be dealt with, mostly due to a certain young lady who might just be more than a friend soon... but LIFE IS GOOD. That's no small thing for me, after depression for three solid years. I have bad days often, but not constantly anymore. Even starting to come back to God... slowly and cautiously. Trust is going to have to be built back up there.

Alone

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:35:14 GMT

Cassie turned me down, citing her upcoming application to law school as the primary reason. Then the unthinkable happened twice. First I met a girl I seemed to have even more in common with than Cassie. Then, three days later, after a lot of conversation, said girl decided to feed me the line I've grown so accustomed to, and this girl didn't even give me a chance to let her know I was interested: "I'm not looking to date anyone right now."

She didn't even have a good reason, like recent abusive relationships or moving to another city or anything; best she could come up with is that she doesn't think she's mentally suited for relationships right now, and her reasoning was that short conversations through online dating have just never seemed to provide enough of a connection to get her interested. Here's the kicker: if I'd said hello three days earlier, I'd have asked her out for coffee before she could have given up completely. Three days later, and I would have seen a profile that said "not looking to date" and moved on, thinking nothing of it. I just had to say hello right in that tiny little window that would get me hurt.

Three days from first hello to no thanks - that's a record, folks. Stay tuned, maybe I can get it down to a rejection a day by Easter.

Confused

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:47:43 GMT

I don't know quite what to make of all this yet. I'm trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up too much, which is like juggling a pie and a chainsaw.

Cassie has yet to contact me without me contacting her first... a familiar problem. I suppose she is busy, and I've been doing enough contacting her to keep the friendship going, but still. Would be nice if a woman would keep me from shouldering all the responsibility for once.

Still, there are positive signs. Two plans to hang out with her and others at the same time failed, so I asked about just having dinner and she invited me over. A girl who'd only just met me online and once in person decided to invite me into her home, where she knew it would only be the two of us... so either she took a stupid risk or she can see I'm trustworthy. We ended up talking for four hours - I showed up fifteen minutes early and stayed until she had to leave for her night time job. Turns out she's just as big a music nerd as I am... and four hours of conversation without a single awkward silence is a very good sign.

It's the holidays, and our schedules haven't been in tune much. Was tentatively having coffee with her tonight, but I called as planned and she said she couldn't make it. On the flipside, I did mention having her come over to my parents' house for our family gathering on Christmas Eve, and she said she might be able to. I'm not holding my breath, something's probably going to come up and we'll have to reschedule. Again. Sigh, and I was going to ask her out officially today too. Christmas is nice and all, and it's a good reminder, but I'll be glad when all this holiday craziness is over and I don't have to bend over backwards to find time to hang out with her. It's all I can do right now to keep from letting her slip away as so many women have. Doesn't help my heart that situations like this have ended in unexplained silence so often before. But as Holly is so fond of reminding me, those people don't deserve to be my friends if they won't act like it. Apparently I'm not the only one with this problem, though... several guys have told me lately that women have broken up with them by just ignoring them until they go away. To all the women I know: if you ever brush a guy off instead of having the decency to break up with him officially, you will no longer be my friend.

Maybe Cassie will be different. Even if we don't end up in a relationship, maybe she'll make an effort to hang out with me. And maybe, just maybe, this Christmas won't be the third in a row I spend alone.

Girl code

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 21:04:16 GMT

Obvious to me now that when women say they are looking for "an honest guy for the long term," they really mean "a jerk who smokes and drinks and sleeps around." Basing this conclusion on the number of women who have looked at my profile on this new dating site and decided not to have anything to do with me.

No good guys left in the world? Nah, there's no good GIRLS left. In my code, "good" means "willing to communicate on any level." 'Cause it appears I have to start there and move to the actual things I look for in a woman.

Even Cassie has suddenly become a challenge to contact. I could get married one of these days, if I could ever get past the first date...

Coffee

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:47:34 GMT

Cassie and I met for coffee today for an hour. We talked mostly about music, but also about our families, jobs, etc. The usual fare. She's very pretty, light brown hair and blue eyes. I'm mildly interested so far, and we've already talked about doing something next week. On top of it all, I found out she's looking for a church, so I invited her to Grace!

Not gonna wait too long before I ask her out. Our conversation revealed that we have even more in common than I thought. Maybe around Christmas I'll buy her flowers, we'll see.

Cassie

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:30:23 GMT

I have a date on Tuesday. I've only been stood up once before, so it stands to reason I'll get to meet this girl, and judging by our chats and such, it will be quite the meeting.

I ran into Cassie on an internet dating site which I'd recommend to anyone - www.plentyoffish.com - for the simple reason that it is completely free of charge. The administrator apparently set up the site because he didn't want to see corporations preying on people's love lives.

Lack of fee notwithstanding, since I signed up I had been stonewalled. Almost every woman I contacted didn't bother to respond; those who did quickly stopped answering messages anyway. Of course, as my mom has been so quick to point out, it only takes one... well, not making any predictions here, but based on how much we have in common, not to mention how beautiful she is, I'm not letting this one get away. Not if I have anything to say about it.

She was homeschooled. She is just finishing up a master's degree in music education, violin emphasis. She enjoys classical music. She lives maybe ten minutes away, and in fact until August she lived in the same apartment complex as I do now. She grew up in a very conservative Christian home but has become more moderate since, just like I have. She keeps an open mind when speaking with people who believe differently than she does. She has an interest in languages (when I was a kid I tried to invent languages).

Can you say "too good to be true"? In every relationship that ever didn't happen for me, there has been something that had at least the potential to cause trouble - for example, Bethany goes to a charismatic church, and I would probably have felt very out of place. At first glance (the operative phrase), there seems to be nothing standing in the way. As fellow homeschooled kids and music graduates, we'll have plenty to talk about, and I have no doubt she's very smart.

Of course I realize this could all fall apart, but if that happens, I'm only back where I was a week ago, and that's not so terrible. But - here's the kicker - she seems excited to meet me, despite her very busy master's-degree schedule. Cassie was actually participating in scheduling this coffee date, so I didn't have to press the issue. Like I said, I doubt I'll get stood up... looking at this from her perspective, she didn't marry someone out of college and as a homeschooled person has probably had at least some difficulty finding someone post-college, especially with her course work. Given how close our interests are, no matter what kind of person I turn out to be, she can't pass this up. Same as I can't, it's just too good not to give a chance.

Scheduling coffee a week in advance has caused a little awkwardness on my end, as I'm just not sure how much to communicate with her before meeting her. Don't want to come on too strong and push her away before then. But there's so much positive about this, it's hard to get discouraged or impatient. Which is great, because I'm off work until then, and I'll have nothing to do but think!

The play is next week, too! I'm psyched. This is turning out to be a fantastic holiday season, very much in the literal sense. Compare today with one year ago... night and day. It really is darkest before the brilliant dawn.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and have an amazing Christmas season!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:05:09 GMT

Anyone remember the girl I mentioned a while back who I met online, and we talked for a month over Facebook, and then I found out she was dating another guy and she told me "if it didn't work out with him"? Well, guess what. It didn't work out with him. I wouldn't have found out, either, since I removed her as a friend on Facebook, except that I just signed up on a new online dating site (a free one this time), and guess whose face I see. Apparently she's looking again.

I keep crashing against a wall - realizing that I really can't function without a woman in my life. As the past has proven, though, WITH a woman I can function extremely well, and I handle romantic relationships very gracefully. But for the past three years, the world around me has not only been devoid of women who would consider a relationship with me... it's been nearly vacant of women of any kind. I can count on one hand the number of local women my age that I know even as distant friends.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 01:50:50 GMT

Most of the time, Lane, Holly, and I are not in the same place. Holly and I talk on the phone a lot, and she talks to Lane too. Lane and I talk now and then when he's home.

Still, several months into this three-way friendship and I can't for the life of me shake the sense that Holly favors Lane over me, at least when the three of us are all in the same place. Lane sees it too, and since he knows I like Holly, it makes him uncomfortable. In conversation, she makes eye contact with him, only giving me an occasional glance. When we're walking somewhere, she'll be at his side, and I'm left walking in front or behind. If she has something to talk about, she almost always calls him first. I've spoken to her several times about feeling like a "B-list friend," apparently none of that has gotten through.

This wouldn't normally be a problem. The last disaster taught me to keep things in perspective a bit, and remember there will always be someone else should things not work out. Thing is, Holly has told me repeatedly she "doesn't want to lead me on" and she's "not ready for a relationship." If this is all a cover for some hidden interest in my roommate, if she's not willing to cut me loose romantically for fear of losing me as a friend... we have a MAJOR problem. In fact, it would be the same problem I had with people on Match.com.

This is why I instinctively avoid situations in which the three of us are in the same place. She always makes me feel like I'm competing with Lane somehow, like I'm extraneous. What makes this all the more convincing is that I'm trying to catch Holly's attention most of the time, and Lane is trying to deflect it. Yet she gravitates to him - the recently-divorced older guy with the financial problems. Almost three years running and I can't attract even one woman, not even women I wouldn't date. Not even out of his marriage, Lane's got women crawling all over him. In other words, I rate lower than a destitute man from a broken family.

A big part of me hopes someone else will come along really soon. From the sound of things, it'll be a long time before Holly is ready to date anyone. In fact, among all my single friends here, I am the ONLY one in a position to start a relationship. Really frustrating when every woman I ask out thinks she shouldn't be dating. I still can't get any woman to straight-up tell me she's not interested. That would be a step forward.